Rising Arctic Temperatures Will Soon Unfreeze A Fun-Loving Caveman Whose Antics Will Only Further Exacerbate Climate Change

Rising Arctic Temperatures Will Soon Unfreeze A Fun-Loving Caveman Whose Antics Will Only Further Exacerbate Climate Change

M. Swift No Comments

Humanity is working out of time in our battle in opposition to local weather change, and sadly, we’re about to cross a catastrophic tipping level from which there could also be no return: Rising Arctic temperatures will quickly unfreeze a fun-loving caveman whose antics will solely additional exacerbate local weather change.

It’s not possible to overstate the potential ecological penalties of this hard-partying little dude.

In line with a sobering new paper within the scientific journal Nature, humanity might solely have years and even months earlier than temperatures within the Arctic change into sizzling sufficient to soften the glacier containing Groog, a rambunctious Ice Age man whose feisty lust for all times is all however sure to speed up the speed at which our planet warms. The paper speculates that after his icy jail thaws sufficient for him to flee, it’ll seemingly solely take hours for Groog to see his first airplane and mistake it for an infinite, mouthwatering chook, prompting him to ignite a record-setting wildfire to barbecue it for a raucous blowout feast with all his buddies. Along with releasing tons of carbon into the environment, this initiating occasion will make Groog extremely lonely when none of his caveman buddies present up, main him to attempt to neglect his sorrows via a sequence of ever extra outrageous hijinks at unthinkable price to our surroundings.

The paper pulls no punches in laying out simply how devastating Groog’s insatiable thirst for a very good time can be to our planet, explaining in nice element how Groog will study browsing from an advert on the facet of a bus and consequently destroy dozens of important hydroelectric dams so he can hold ten off the ensuing waves. It’s additionally seemingly that Groog’s outgoing nature and notoriety as an excessive surfer will make him an immediate campus superstar at a close-by school, the place he’ll trigger irreparable hurt to the ozone layer by utilizing can after can of aerosolized hairspray and deodorant in his makes an attempt to woo a instructing assistant who bears an uncanny likeness to his former girlfriend Groogina. In a single particularly pernicious state of affairs, Groog might even find yourself inadvertently destroying years of analysis on carbon-capture know-how within the technique of evading campus safety throughout an after-hours chase via the science labs attributable to a beer run gone fallacious.

Yikes. As dangerous as local weather change already was, it’ll solely worsen with Groog within the combine.

“When you unleash a caveman that boisterous into fashionable society, there’s no telling what number of disastrous knock-on results you’ll see by way of the atmosphere,” mentioned Dr. Abigail Taffer, the lead researcher behind this alarming report. “He would possibly trigger huge oil spills to show complete seashores into large enjoyable Slip ‘N Slides, or joyride a bulldozer via ecologically weak wetlands to attempt to flush out the mammoths he assumes are hiding in there. And whereas I don’t need to sound defeatist, if Groog is someway capable of return to the Arctic with a pair hundred cordless hair dryers to search out and unfreeze the unique Groogina, the subsequent technology of Grooglets will be the nail within the coffin for all times on earth as we all know it.”

That is actually upsetting information. A rowdy caveman like Groog is the very last thing we’d like with local weather change as dangerous because it already is. Right here’s hoping humanity can come collectively to mitigate as a lot hurt as doable earlier than this excitable prehistoric dude will get right here!

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