Originally published 20 October 2020
Painting with broad strokes here, things are kind of rough right now. The planet’s on fire, literally and figuratively, and there’s a lot to be worried about. But, in a few ways, this is also a pretty cool time to be alive (figuratively cool, because one again, the planet is on fire). For instance, weed is becoming or has become legal in a lot of places, like my home country of Canada. Last Fall, weed was legalized at a federal level, which meant a lot of really cool opportunities for businesses opened up. Everybody and their dog now works in the weed industry, including my sister, who shall remain nameless because I didn’t tell her I was writing this.
Before I go on, yes — I am technically writing about myself. But only in a small way, because I’m actually writing about something that happened to my sister, so this is only a mild abuse of editorial power.
So, my sister works for an online weed dispensary, which shall also remain nameless. If you thought 1-day Amazon Prime deliveries and Postmates are cool, wait till I tell you about online weed dispensaries. They operate like any other dispensary, they offer various weed strains with incredibly eloquent names and descriptions akin to vintage bottles of wine at fancy restaurants, as well as products like pre-rolled joints. SO handy, right?? Well, it gets better. Because weed is legal across Canada, shipping it within the country is pretty simple. Which means… you can order weed the same way you order a burger.
AMAZING. THE FUTURE IS NOW.
There are still age restrictions on weed purchases though, much like alcohol, so in order to register with these online weed companies, you have to submit photographs or scans of two pieces of ID, front and back, for verification. Where does my sister fit into all of this, you ask?
I’ll tell you.
Part of my sister’s job is going through these applications and either approving or denying them, so she looks at a lot of ID’s, and probably a lot of fake ones. Usually, when using a fake ID, you want it to be as believable as possible. So this was a surprise.
Someone legitimately tried to buy weed using a fake ID —
— as THOR, MARVEL HERO AND GOD OF THUNDER.
Please, if you will, join me in unpacking this.
- Thor — MIDDLE NAME THUNDER — Odinson
- Thor is apparently FROM ALBERTA, CANADA. AS ALL NORSE GODS ARE.
- 49 years old???
- This says he’s clocking in at 6’7” and only 150lbs. Thor. Buddy. Come on. We know that’s not true. We all saw Endgame.
- He lives at 69 BIG HAMMER LANE.
- Even if this was somehow a passable fake, THE LICENSE IS EXPIRED.
So, I think it goes without saying that she had to turn this application down. I know, I know, you’re all probably thinking, “What! No! He deserves to have weed just because of how great this is!” And while I agree with you, unfortunately federal law does not have a sense of humor, and it would be a lot harder to text my sister if she was in jail. If it’s any consolation, she let this guy down in the best way possible.
NOTES FROM SLOANE
I decided to write about this because I tweeted screenshots of these texts from my sister because I have no self control, and a LOT of publications picked up the story and wrote about it themselves, so it would’ve been dumb not to. While I had to keep my sister and her company anonymous in order to protect all parties involved and ensure that she doesn’t become more famous than me, she has thoroughly enjoyed the fact that this story is literally all over the internet. To my sister, if you end up reading this, thank you for this excellent article fodder, and for not beating my ass when you saw this story on the news.